Conflict....

Striving for greatness, but seems to fail.
Reaching for heaven, while living in hell.
Anxious to give, but reluctant to take.
Fearful of dying, and hasn't yet lived.

Wants to bask in the sun, but a creature of night.
A warm person at heart, but comes across cold.
Has it together, but falling apart.
Ready to finish, and has yet to start.

Keeping a smile, at the same time crying.
Wanting it all, but has just a bit.
Desperate to stop, but can't seem to quit.
Happy here, but wants to be there.

Running in place and getting nowhere.
Craving that poison, but trying to refrain.
Feeling just great, when really in pain.
Staring in awe, but trying to ignore.

Wanting just a little, but swearing, "NO MORE!"
Keeping a promise, but feeling so torn.
Proud of one's self, and too, feeling scorn.
Thinking no one cares, but sensing little concern.

Don't worry, it's cool, but the flames still burn.
Feeling so lonely, but afraid of devotion.
Wants to love openly, but can't show emotion.
Want's to take it easy, yet looks for storms to weather.
Not to worry, I will do it.

The Break-Up

Feeling a bit emotional right now after tonight's episode of  Eastenders. After finding out he defrauded their neighbours via Insurance policies and is now bankrupt, a distraught Tanya Branning decides to leave her husband Max and rushes her children into the car, all except young Abi who refuses and wants to stay with her dad despite her mothers' pleas. She insists, ''Dad needs us, me. We need to stick together''. Her mother drives off anyway with the other two children leaving Max running after the car in tears, begging. Trust me when i say parental breakup is never easy, i've been there!

What happened to us?
What happened to the happy days?
My broken family wear a mask and no one sees the pain beneath
I am left with nothing but memories of a once happy family.
They expect me to fix their problems with a blink of an eye,
Without much thought of how low and hurt i may be feeling.
I've failed and given up trying.
Sometimes, its too painful to bear.
Though, i keep the pain buried inside.
The worry cannot show through these eyes.
They ask me what's wrong. I'm fine, i say.
Striving to protect the feelings of my brother
I'm thankful to God for our time together as i'll cherish it forever.
I'm thankful to God for the memories, they will last with me for eternity
I'm thankful to God for the strength.
I only ask for continued courage to carry on...
G'nite.x

The Traditionalist In Me...

I have different beliefs to a lot of females i know in my generation and contrary to what the ''New Age'' would have you believe, my stand remains: MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT EQUAL.  Though they may have equal roles in today's world, this does not make them equal. This issue has somewhat become a taboo subject and before you women start hurling stones at me, hear me out.

As we all know by nature's default, there are so many characteristics that make the two sexes different so i won't turn this into a lecture by going into that. If we go back in history, we'll see that the woman was simply an object with no opinions and could be inherited. Now that is one extreme i completely disagree with and though woman was made for man as a helper and complementary being in my opinion, i am in no way implying women should be used as foot mats.

With that said, being a traditional woman is related more to my beliefs than lifestyle as i have a career and though i am independent, it does not distract me from believing that men and women though different should be complementary. I believe a mother's place is beside her children and that the family structure is extremely important for the children's wellbeing and for society. This does not mean a woman should automatically be a housewife who slaves all day but a certain balance should be struck that is if marital finances permit. Put simply, a traditional woman to me loves her children and family more than she loves her career and status, and is often gently nurturing and self-sacrificing but not always necessarily submissive. (I am submissive but not stupid).

I enjoy catering for my man. Note the word 'enjoy'. I enjoy cooking and though I'd rather the house help do the cleaning, i don't mind it at all (stems from my OCD habits), i am usually the nurse and tend to fuss over my man when he is indisposed . Lots of women would prefer a man who cooks and all that and yes, it's nice to have a man who can surprise me with a gourmet meal but I'd rather not, please. Surprise me with diamonds or a meal at a 7 star restaurant instead. My department, my control, my zone. *Ouch! Just felt some stones thrown at me.*

Think what you like and just so you know, my 'traditional beliefs' do not encompass my total being . I'm a fucking freak in the bedroom ;-)

I Love My Boobs!

Well, what's not to love? All 32HH of them! An ex once described me as his "Busty Black Bounty of Beguiling Breastacular Beauty." Mouthful huh?! I certainly gave him a mouthful whenever I could ;-)

French men describe a perfect lover's breast size as "enough to fill the hands of a honest man" Hmmmn....in my case, he must have freakishly huge hands!

To think i didn't always like my boobs. I hated them in secondary school! Whilst they were probably the main reasons i got picked for beauty contests, i definitely got teased a lot. I can never forget one instance where a classmate (still talk to her to date) blurted out my boobs were bigger than everyone else's because i let boys suck on them. Everyone laughed and i almost died! I was 13years old for Christ's sake! Admittedly, in this day and age, 13year olds do worse than i can possibly imagine but back then, i was innocent and the closest i got to that sort of sin was a chapter of whatever Mills & Boon book (wrapped in newspaper of course) was going round. How did i react? I tried to hide them by wearing baggy clothes and attempting to walk with a hunch back! Lol! My mother was petrified and couldn't understand why i was so ashamed of my 'gifts'. It wasn't till i was 15 that i thought Fuck all y'all and embraced my treasures!

For years i squeezed myself into a DD cup as i couldnt find Non-Grandma looking bras in my size and then i discovered Bravissimo and Bra Stop and voila! Fortunately, i don't have to deal with back pain as many of my counterparts but one disadvantage is clothing restrictions. That lovely top that makes my friend look sophisticated and formal will scream sex! sex! sex on me so i try to be careful. Loose clothes make me look huge (not implying i'm little) so i won't be caught without a belt or waist cincher for emphasis. I dont need to wear super low cut shirts to get attention and you should see me in a corset, it's hard to describe! ;-)

I often get asked if they are real and play on that by asking people not to hug me too tightly or my implants burst! You should see their faces! I also get asked rather frequently if i would ever consider a breast reduction and my answer is always: Never have and never will. I will consider a breast lift after I've popped out the babies but a reduction? No thanks, I love being a Magnificent Mistress of Massive Mammaries. (I'm on an alliterative tip today lol). x

Attachment Redefined

One of my closest male friends, 'LT' just had a baby with a woman he can't stand - The Ex! Everytime I see him looking physically sick, he's either on the phone to her or just off the phone to her. LT never hides his disgust, even from her, which makes me wonder why a woman would still strive to be with a man who finds you revolting, cheated on you countless times and only sleeps with you when you catch him drunk. This got me thinking, as situations like this are now frequent occurences. Case in point - My ex, AA.

I was unfortunate to fall in love with a guy who already had a son by the dreaded Ex and boy! those years were hell! You'd probably wonder why I stayed considering it was 'so-called' hell. It's simple! I loved him and I was young and naive.

They were together for a while until she cheated on him. He loved her and found he couldn't get over it especially as he walked in on them at it! He kicked her out and didn't see her for months though she kept begging to have him back. Fast forward, new year's eve - they met at a party and with everyone drinking past their liver's holding capacity, they ended up in bed. Let's call her Kemi. Well, the morning after the 'do do' AA abruptly apologised and informed the gleaming Kemi it was an error and he won't be seeing her again. Kemi, of course was devastated as you and I would be. Now, imagine how angry she was when she found out she was pregnant weeks later! No, that would have been my reaction but Kemi? Chick was ECSTATIC! OVERWHELMED! To Kemi, baby meant she got her man back and though she wasn't ready, she told her older sister she was willing to keep the baby just so AA remained part of her life till the day she died! I'm not judging but what a reason to bring a baby into this world. Fuck that! I'm judging! :)

Anyhoo, AA tried to make it work months after he found out and moved her in when she was 7months heavy. They had a boy, lovely! and when he was 6months old, she cheated on him yet again! Of course he chucked her out and as she wouldn't let him see his son, he thought screw em' both and life went on.

Enter, moi! I met the charming AA who was 10years older than me and seemed to be the best thing since cheesecake! I loved him more cos he understood I wasn't ready for sex and waited patiently. I was however appalled that he was paying rent, bills and giving Kemi £250 a week for a child he had no relationship with so like the good girl my mama raised, I pestered him to endure her crap just so he can have a bond with his son. Error on my part? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!

To Be Continued....x

Things I Love!!!!!

We all enjoy the finer things in life and like most, I tend to overindulge. In no particular order, they are:

1. Kissing - I loooove kissing and I like to think i'm a great kisser...well, i've been told. The key to great kissing in my opinion is variety: tease, lick, bite, softly, suck, rough..Oooh Tee, i summon you!

2. My Blackberry - Can't imagine how i lived without a blackberry before now. The gadget follows me wherever i go and oh! the joy, when i see that red light!

3. Givenchy Organza - "A magical mix of of classic sensuality, refinement and opulence, Organza is the symbol of the eternal woman. Organza is the goddess that exists in every woman, she incarnates a pure and timeless beauty."

4. Voluminous hair - Three words: Uber-feminine, Sexy and Glamorous! Brings out the freak in me. Ok ok, i admit the freak is visible round the clock! ;)

5. Corsets - What better way to emphasise a relatively small waist and enormous boobs? Lol!

6. Blueberry Muffins - Nothing like warm, fresh blueberry muffins. Eaten alone or with custard, fresh cream or ice cream...hell, I'd eat them with stew if i could! *yum*

7. Heels - Sexy, confidence boosting, arches the feet in a very sensual way giving a more sexy walk. Ankle straps, Stiletto heels, Boots, Sandals, Pumps...you name it! Heels rock! (so much so, i ignore the hard patch of flesh underneath my feet - effects of long term heel use, lol)

8. Sex- Need i say more?

9. Cheesecake - Belgian white chocolate and Vanilla cheescake...these are not just cheesecakes, THESE ARE M&S CHEESECAKES!!

10. Having my boobs sucked - Pay attention to my boobs, look at them, talk about them! Light fondling, gentle sucking, kissing, nibbles are just fine for starters, Squeeze, lick, then bite for main course, caress and suck the shit out of them while i ride that d**k for dessert! Oh what a night!

11. Cooking - Watching people eat my food simply gives me pleasure! It brings out my creativity and is an act of love and care. I'm in my elements when cooking and tend to be mother hen wherever i go. Satisfaction!

12. Musiq Soulchild - Considering i popped my cherry listening to one of my all time favourite songs, Half Crazy by Musiq (don't go calculating dates now lol), he really has stood the test of time! He is one of the foremost figures in the neo-soul movement blending hip-hop infused production with a vintage soul-funk feel. Refreshing!

13. Fish - Tilapia, catfish, salmon, crocker, barracuda, stews, soups, boiled, steamed, grilled, fried, with rice, potatoes, plantains, yams *drool*

14. Vintage Clothes - I developed a passion for vintage clothing and keep stocking up. I adore vintage clothing as the pieces are sometimes one of a kind and it's highly unlikely you'd bump into someone at a party wearing the same outfit. Searching shops and the internet for appealing pieces is rather thrilling and feels like discovering buried treasure when i find some. Classic and elegant!

Xx