Conflict....

Striving for greatness, but seems to fail.
Reaching for heaven, while living in hell.
Anxious to give, but reluctant to take.
Fearful of dying, and hasn't yet lived.

Wants to bask in the sun, but a creature of night.
A warm person at heart, but comes across cold.
Has it together, but falling apart.
Ready to finish, and has yet to start.

Keeping a smile, at the same time crying.
Wanting it all, but has just a bit.
Desperate to stop, but can't seem to quit.
Happy here, but wants to be there.

Running in place and getting nowhere.
Craving that poison, but trying to refrain.
Feeling just great, when really in pain.
Staring in awe, but trying to ignore.

Wanting just a little, but swearing, "NO MORE!"
Keeping a promise, but feeling so torn.
Proud of one's self, and too, feeling scorn.
Thinking no one cares, but sensing little concern.

Don't worry, it's cool, but the flames still burn.
Feeling so lonely, but afraid of devotion.
Wants to love openly, but can't show emotion.
Want's to take it easy, yet looks for storms to weather.
Not to worry, I will do it.

The Break-Up

Feeling a bit emotional right now after tonight's episode of  Eastenders. After finding out he defrauded their neighbours via Insurance policies and is now bankrupt, a distraught Tanya Branning decides to leave her husband Max and rushes her children into the car, all except young Abi who refuses and wants to stay with her dad despite her mothers' pleas. She insists, ''Dad needs us, me. We need to stick together''. Her mother drives off anyway with the other two children leaving Max running after the car in tears, begging. Trust me when i say parental breakup is never easy, i've been there!

What happened to us?
What happened to the happy days?
My broken family wear a mask and no one sees the pain beneath
I am left with nothing but memories of a once happy family.
They expect me to fix their problems with a blink of an eye,
Without much thought of how low and hurt i may be feeling.
I've failed and given up trying.
Sometimes, its too painful to bear.
Though, i keep the pain buried inside.
The worry cannot show through these eyes.
They ask me what's wrong. I'm fine, i say.
Striving to protect the feelings of my brother
I'm thankful to God for our time together as i'll cherish it forever.
I'm thankful to God for the memories, they will last with me for eternity
I'm thankful to God for the strength.
I only ask for continued courage to carry on...
G'nite.x

The Traditionalist In Me...

I have different beliefs to a lot of females i know in my generation and contrary to what the ''New Age'' would have you believe, my stand remains: MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT EQUAL.  Though they may have equal roles in today's world, this does not make them equal. This issue has somewhat become a taboo subject and before you women start hurling stones at me, hear me out.

As we all know by nature's default, there are so many characteristics that make the two sexes different so i won't turn this into a lecture by going into that. If we go back in history, we'll see that the woman was simply an object with no opinions and could be inherited. Now that is one extreme i completely disagree with and though woman was made for man as a helper and complementary being in my opinion, i am in no way implying women should be used as foot mats.

With that said, being a traditional woman is related more to my beliefs than lifestyle as i have a career and though i am independent, it does not distract me from believing that men and women though different should be complementary. I believe a mother's place is beside her children and that the family structure is extremely important for the children's wellbeing and for society. This does not mean a woman should automatically be a housewife who slaves all day but a certain balance should be struck that is if marital finances permit. Put simply, a traditional woman to me loves her children and family more than she loves her career and status, and is often gently nurturing and self-sacrificing but not always necessarily submissive. (I am submissive but not stupid).

I enjoy catering for my man. Note the word 'enjoy'. I enjoy cooking and though I'd rather the house help do the cleaning, i don't mind it at all (stems from my OCD habits), i am usually the nurse and tend to fuss over my man when he is indisposed . Lots of women would prefer a man who cooks and all that and yes, it's nice to have a man who can surprise me with a gourmet meal but I'd rather not, please. Surprise me with diamonds or a meal at a 7 star restaurant instead. My department, my control, my zone. *Ouch! Just felt some stones thrown at me.*

Think what you like and just so you know, my 'traditional beliefs' do not encompass my total being . I'm a fucking freak in the bedroom ;-)

I Love My Boobs!

Well, what's not to love? All 32HH of them! An ex once described me as his "Busty Black Bounty of Beguiling Breastacular Beauty." Mouthful huh?! I certainly gave him a mouthful whenever I could ;-)

French men describe a perfect lover's breast size as "enough to fill the hands of a honest man" Hmmmn....in my case, he must have freakishly huge hands!

To think i didn't always like my boobs. I hated them in secondary school! Whilst they were probably the main reasons i got picked for beauty contests, i definitely got teased a lot. I can never forget one instance where a classmate (still talk to her to date) blurted out my boobs were bigger than everyone else's because i let boys suck on them. Everyone laughed and i almost died! I was 13years old for Christ's sake! Admittedly, in this day and age, 13year olds do worse than i can possibly imagine but back then, i was innocent and the closest i got to that sort of sin was a chapter of whatever Mills & Boon book (wrapped in newspaper of course) was going round. How did i react? I tried to hide them by wearing baggy clothes and attempting to walk with a hunch back! Lol! My mother was petrified and couldn't understand why i was so ashamed of my 'gifts'. It wasn't till i was 15 that i thought Fuck all y'all and embraced my treasures!

For years i squeezed myself into a DD cup as i couldnt find Non-Grandma looking bras in my size and then i discovered Bravissimo and Bra Stop and voila! Fortunately, i don't have to deal with back pain as many of my counterparts but one disadvantage is clothing restrictions. That lovely top that makes my friend look sophisticated and formal will scream sex! sex! sex on me so i try to be careful. Loose clothes make me look huge (not implying i'm little) so i won't be caught without a belt or waist cincher for emphasis. I dont need to wear super low cut shirts to get attention and you should see me in a corset, it's hard to describe! ;-)

I often get asked if they are real and play on that by asking people not to hug me too tightly or my implants burst! You should see their faces! I also get asked rather frequently if i would ever consider a breast reduction and my answer is always: Never have and never will. I will consider a breast lift after I've popped out the babies but a reduction? No thanks, I love being a Magnificent Mistress of Massive Mammaries. (I'm on an alliterative tip today lol). x

Attachment Redefined

One of my closest male friends, 'LT' just had a baby with a woman he can't stand - The Ex! Everytime I see him looking physically sick, he's either on the phone to her or just off the phone to her. LT never hides his disgust, even from her, which makes me wonder why a woman would still strive to be with a man who finds you revolting, cheated on you countless times and only sleeps with you when you catch him drunk. This got me thinking, as situations like this are now frequent occurences. Case in point - My ex, AA.

I was unfortunate to fall in love with a guy who already had a son by the dreaded Ex and boy! those years were hell! You'd probably wonder why I stayed considering it was 'so-called' hell. It's simple! I loved him and I was young and naive.

They were together for a while until she cheated on him. He loved her and found he couldn't get over it especially as he walked in on them at it! He kicked her out and didn't see her for months though she kept begging to have him back. Fast forward, new year's eve - they met at a party and with everyone drinking past their liver's holding capacity, they ended up in bed. Let's call her Kemi. Well, the morning after the 'do do' AA abruptly apologised and informed the gleaming Kemi it was an error and he won't be seeing her again. Kemi, of course was devastated as you and I would be. Now, imagine how angry she was when she found out she was pregnant weeks later! No, that would have been my reaction but Kemi? Chick was ECSTATIC! OVERWHELMED! To Kemi, baby meant she got her man back and though she wasn't ready, she told her older sister she was willing to keep the baby just so AA remained part of her life till the day she died! I'm not judging but what a reason to bring a baby into this world. Fuck that! I'm judging! :)

Anyhoo, AA tried to make it work months after he found out and moved her in when she was 7months heavy. They had a boy, lovely! and when he was 6months old, she cheated on him yet again! Of course he chucked her out and as she wouldn't let him see his son, he thought screw em' both and life went on.

Enter, moi! I met the charming AA who was 10years older than me and seemed to be the best thing since cheesecake! I loved him more cos he understood I wasn't ready for sex and waited patiently. I was however appalled that he was paying rent, bills and giving Kemi £250 a week for a child he had no relationship with so like the good girl my mama raised, I pestered him to endure her crap just so he can have a bond with his son. Error on my part? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!

To Be Continued....x

Things I Love!!!!!

We all enjoy the finer things in life and like most, I tend to overindulge. In no particular order, they are:

1. Kissing - I loooove kissing and I like to think i'm a great kisser...well, i've been told. The key to great kissing in my opinion is variety: tease, lick, bite, softly, suck, rough..Oooh Tee, i summon you!

2. My Blackberry - Can't imagine how i lived without a blackberry before now. The gadget follows me wherever i go and oh! the joy, when i see that red light!

3. Givenchy Organza - "A magical mix of of classic sensuality, refinement and opulence, Organza is the symbol of the eternal woman. Organza is the goddess that exists in every woman, she incarnates a pure and timeless beauty."

4. Voluminous hair - Three words: Uber-feminine, Sexy and Glamorous! Brings out the freak in me. Ok ok, i admit the freak is visible round the clock! ;)

5. Corsets - What better way to emphasise a relatively small waist and enormous boobs? Lol!

6. Blueberry Muffins - Nothing like warm, fresh blueberry muffins. Eaten alone or with custard, fresh cream or ice cream...hell, I'd eat them with stew if i could! *yum*

7. Heels - Sexy, confidence boosting, arches the feet in a very sensual way giving a more sexy walk. Ankle straps, Stiletto heels, Boots, Sandals, Pumps...you name it! Heels rock! (so much so, i ignore the hard patch of flesh underneath my feet - effects of long term heel use, lol)

8. Sex- Need i say more?

9. Cheesecake - Belgian white chocolate and Vanilla cheescake...these are not just cheesecakes, THESE ARE M&S CHEESECAKES!!

10. Having my boobs sucked - Pay attention to my boobs, look at them, talk about them! Light fondling, gentle sucking, kissing, nibbles are just fine for starters, Squeeze, lick, then bite for main course, caress and suck the shit out of them while i ride that d**k for dessert! Oh what a night!

11. Cooking - Watching people eat my food simply gives me pleasure! It brings out my creativity and is an act of love and care. I'm in my elements when cooking and tend to be mother hen wherever i go. Satisfaction!

12. Musiq Soulchild - Considering i popped my cherry listening to one of my all time favourite songs, Half Crazy by Musiq (don't go calculating dates now lol), he really has stood the test of time! He is one of the foremost figures in the neo-soul movement blending hip-hop infused production with a vintage soul-funk feel. Refreshing!

13. Fish - Tilapia, catfish, salmon, crocker, barracuda, stews, soups, boiled, steamed, grilled, fried, with rice, potatoes, plantains, yams *drool*

14. Vintage Clothes - I developed a passion for vintage clothing and keep stocking up. I adore vintage clothing as the pieces are sometimes one of a kind and it's highly unlikely you'd bump into someone at a party wearing the same outfit. Searching shops and the internet for appealing pieces is rather thrilling and feels like discovering buried treasure when i find some. Classic and elegant!

Xx

Update

After much soliloquy, I decided to call Tee. Not to apologise, of course, but to see how he's doing (that's what I told myself). So, I dial, then cut it off immediately! What the fuckery is going on with me? Have I lost it? How could I possibly ring first? He will simply deduce I miss him or have been thinking about him. Pffffttt! We can't have that, can we? I'm Iron fucking lady!

There are things to be done, reports to be written et al...I begin to type away at my lappie and FLASH! those lips! FLASH! His voice softly whispering, "sssshhh, kiss me"! Oh fuck! Not now, I'm made of steel! Well, my kitten isn't though as I feel her throbbing lightly...I'm in a trance and before I know, I'm on the phone, Tee's number rings and after the first two rings, he cuts it off!!!! FUCK! FUCK! My eye don clear! WTF just happened? I rang and he cut it off? How dare him? Well, its ok...I meant to call someone else anyways, that was an error! Back to report typing. My phone rings....Tee! He had been playing with his phone when I rang and mistakenly cut it off! Phew! I knew that!

Looks like I will be sucking those lips afterall.

Strength

Wrote this on 21/07/2009 and since my lazy self has started blogging again, i might as well share!


My strength today lies in resilience and intrepidity.

There was a time when pain was all I could remember: Constant trials and struggles, not enough laughs and too many tears.

There was a time when my heart was dusty, despondent and cold. I guarded my heart and head with grief and fear. Afraid to let anyone too close, I fought all battles on my own. I saw myself running from life, impossible to get away.

Some let me down when I needed them most while some attacked, when my defence was weak. So, out of desperation, I created a second world of serenity where I need no friends, partners or companions; where I face my reality alone and your offers of help are ignored. Nevertheless, what would life be without some of you? Especially those who understand my need to retreat, and wait patiently for my return.

I've learnt to count on nothing beyond today as there are no guarantees for tomorrow.
I've learnt to refrain from expectations from those around me. That way, no promises are broken.
I've learnt Life is simple and not that bad. It's what you make it out to be, and yours to do with as you please.

Now I strive forth happy and confident!! Living and laughing, loving it all!
Replacing darkness with light with hardly a fight. I am empowered by the support of meaningful experience and I transform with silent resilience, cherishing every moment of this new life

I read somewhere that life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away...I WILL indulge in these moments and in people that take my breath away!

Judge, appreciate, condemn or applaud me...makes no difference, for I have become indestructible! 

Pride

It's now past mid-day and no contact from 'Tee'. No 6am 'Morning Sweetness' and the likes... Now, I know I should make first contact and apologise but nah, i'll pass!

"Pride is a personal commitment. It is an attitude which separates excellence from mediocrity."

Pride to me is an essential quailty that has protected me in more ways than one. In past relationships, I let my pride slip twice and you really don't want to know where that got me. Akeem, the first and long term love had his field day with me. He pushed, prodded and poked however way he could and most times, I sat there like a 'dodoyo' taking it all. Afterall, he was 10years older than me so this must be how its done! Time out! I awoke from that slumber 5 and a half years later and I am who I am.

Fast forward: 2008. I let my guard down again for Benue boy and surprise, surprise...it didn't pay! So, i revert to me circa 2004 - 2008 and like Voltron, I vow to defend my universe, my being and my sanity!

I am aware that some people see my pride as an attractive quality while others unfailingly advise it makes me come across as arrogant hence I miss out on great opportunities to enjoy romance, passion and love. For what it's worth, I'm willing to take that chance.  The difference is, I will not let my pride define my sense of self. This is simply because it doesn't stem from selfishness or greed, but from the desperate fear of being seen as weak or vulnerable.

Tee has become quite important to me over the last few weeks so I'll wait and see how this plays out...

Lightbulb moment

I've just been cut off from the highlight of my day - the phone call to 'Tee' (current source of my lust). My crime: Condescension. Truth is, he does have a point especially as he had warned me earlier on in the conversation. I know I feel the need to control my surroundings so I don't slip up or assume vulnerability but the abrupt end in conversation got me thinking: Might it be time to let go of control and let things flow? Now, the problem with that is Men realise this little slip up and take advantage. I am not to be messed with or so I hope but damn, dude really is getting to me. All I know is the audacity he displayed tonight has got me ticklish in certain places...Did I mention I absolutely adore a man who can stand his ground against me! So, 5 shots of Vodka and Cranberry juice later, I lay here typing and dreaming of his lips...wishing he would walk up to me and grab me, looking sternly into my eyes, he would suck on the left side of my neck whilst shoving his fingers down my bra, for I, have been naughty and need to be punished! *sigh* Distance sucks!

Ok, I should call back and apologise..HELL NO!!!

My 'letting things flow' policy will be in effect 24 hours from now..
Ciao.x

Confused.com

Lately I find I have numerous decisions to make. Some, petty and others quite somber. The annoying part is while I'm supposed to be concentrating, i keep having flashbacks of "that day." Now, these flashbacks have NOTHING to do with the person in question but more so, the experience. (You'll read more 'experiences' as time goes on). Good thing i penned the "experience" a few hours after the act....maybe i can get it out of my system for good.

PASSION.......

His touch on her face...
As they lay on the living room floor.
They fought their resistance as the cool air flowed from the door beside them.
Eyes met briefly and begged for the chance to abandon their inhibitions.


Pulling her face towards him, he began his work on her lips
Probing and sucking gently, as if drawing from a deep wall of passion
Then, heated tongues met with hot and quickened breaths.


They made their way up to the stairs and he pinned her to the door...fueling her desire further.
Their clothes found resting place on the floor...Piece by piece
The moment revealed hunger as the bed became their stage


He moved on top of her easily, and lowered himself gently.
Pause...she thought....
She looked into his eyes as he ignored her....she suddenly felt it
Kissing her as she was filled with him.


As her gasp broke the kiss...his hands stroked the stray strands of hair away from her forehead.
Their slow rhythm gave way to urgent and demanding thrusts of passion
She arched her body for his comfort and he threw her into ecstasy.
With the strength of his thrusts, she took over!


Currents of passion filled her as she moved up and down on him
Pinning his hands down but her weak strength gave way to ripples of shivers!
He took over, leaving her screaming and soaked in oblivion again and again.
She wrapped her arms and legs around him, not wanting to let go.


As he growled her name from the back of his throat..
Their bodies both demanded more, each giving to the other.
She grasped then released him....grasped then released him.
The taste of his skin between her lips was like no other.


As he wrapped his hands around her head and held on tightly,
he moved with strong, breaking blows.
Forcing their way to the peaks of bliss....
Leaving their screams to echo on.


She welcomed the weight of him to crush her
As he collapsed on top of her, still hot and burning...
and she glowing with a smile as he kissed her continuously then finally let loose as she gasped with shaking legs.
Satisfied and looking on as their senses return!

Resurrection...

Ok, got my lazy ass to start blogging in 2008 and managed to get a few words in and then gave up. In a bid to resurrect the blog, i realised i forgot my password so here goes a brand new blog....